Looking back at all my Failures

That special time in the evening, after the bathroom, after wishing my significant other a tight sleep, turning my phone off, my alarm on, lights off, was usually a time I enjoyed. Recalling the day, letting myself fall into my own beautiful dark twisted fantasies, and eventually falling asleep. But, as with all parts of my life, depression plays catch up. I guess its a doom loop; in the spring and summer, I get ahead of myself and am mostly cheerful and in a good mood, but in AUTUMN and Winter I´m taking the D. Not that funny. Because usually AUTUMN is my favourite season of the year (Weird how the meaning of “Season” has changed, innit?). All the leaves are turning brown, Sky is blue, Sweater Weather…perfect. My dog is able to walk again, as she cannot stand the blistering sun of the summer.
So far, so good. If only I had not to sleep and wake up.
So far, I am having trouble falling asleep, thinking about all the bad things I have done. Mostly in the evening right before sleep.

But you know how your electronicals sometimes randomly pop up with something you have already forgotten about? Would you recommend Windows 10 to others? Uncle Bumblefucks Birthday is today! Things that seem odd and unnecessary to you?

Now imagine that with bad situations/times randomly popping up in my mind from time to time.

But, to be fair, not all is miserable. I picked up a Bass guitar a while ago, and really enjoy playing it. Not that I am able to read notes, but the Tabs-notation works for me. I love how I can get lost in plucking strings, and how amazingly different songs are made and harmonies are combined. If I am in the mood, I pick it up and play something sad. Not blues, or even Jazz, because I am not that good yet, but songs like Dramamine, although I play it very slow. I switched university again, now to a university of applied science, which will be my last and final try at electrical engineering.

It is hard to me to look at all my friends, who seem to be really good at what they are doing and having fun, getting job offers left and right, having success at their job/education, making money, or working hard at school, because they want to study medicine. Looking at all of them, I feel miserable and useless. A loser. But then, on the other hand, I think that regardless of the job or education I am getting, I would never be happy with what I have. It makes it especially hard for me when my parents tell me things like “Oh, you are one smart boy, with your attitude, knowledge and human skills you can literally do anything”. Thanks a lot.

This uncertainty and depression makes it seem like suicide or a car accident or a fatal illness really is not that bad.

But my death would probably make at least a few lifes a lot worse.

Wasn´t I talking about good things?

GG,

Stranger

Exams and love

No Sex during exam learning.

The big learning has started. The final exams of the semester are in less than a two weeks. And with the stress, the learning, and everything else comes inevitably, the depression. I am surprised it took so long for it to finally come, but there have been signs of its soon arrival already. Having trouble falling asleep, not being able to get up in the morning, regardless of how long i slept, emotional winter to those who I live for…
So many. Today was probably the day it finally arrived then. I am sitting in the library since 3:30 PM. It is now 8 PM, and I may have learned for an effective half hour. I managed last week to do up to 4 out of 5 hours. Bitter for me then. It´s not like I would already be at the level I need to be for the classtest.

I am worried.

I hope I won´t fail those tests.

My interhuman interactions have recently been quite good. I have a weird semi-relationship that is above friendship, but we both agreed not to be a couple. Yet still we have a tight connection, emotionally, as well as physically. Also, I seem to get closer with a girl I had a crush on a while ago, and she seems to like me.

Funny how the tables have turned.

Sad for her, I have exams upcoming. So no time for dating.

I need to keep my priorities somewhat on track.

She will understand.

Diary #10(0), May 15, 2017

Dear Diary,

as so often, I have let you down. The bubble I used to live in burst today, and it made me realize the problems I really have. “Life is no Ponyrange”, as a bad, direct translation from a Proverb says, describes perfectly indirect how life is hard and one has to deal with it, and keep up, regardless of what he tries to do.

You have been a dear friend to me ever since I have created you, a quiet companion, to whom I can speak freely, and with no fear of judgement or comments. And as I and many other humans like to do, we neglect such friends until we need them the most. But I knew that when I created you, and that is your purpose. So this whole thing is basically just helping me laying the things down in front of me.

Let me tell you about the important things I still remember; There have been more important and more significant things for sure, but we all know, that my memory is about as good as a sieve.

Renesse

Oh beautiful Renesse. A while ago, I was talking with my “best” friend, who certainly has other interests besides me, and would never claim my guidance and support as much as I did. We had lunch, and she told me that she had basically nothing to do after finishing her exams. So I suggested to go somewhere, just a few days, and she seemed to quite like the idea. We did some research and some planning, and decided to drive to Renesse on Friday morning, and leave on Saturday as we please. We drove there, listening to music, the overall mood was great, as well as the conversation we had. No arguments. Just as we were about ten minutes away from her home, I chose the wrong exit. Objectively speaking, no big deal, maybe a delay of five minutes. She didn´t seem to really be bothered, but in my head the avalanche of shit just started. Stupid me. Why did you have to listen to the satnav, and not on her… The satnav even told you the right exit, and you just read it wrong. This made me angry. And boy, let me tell ya, if there is one thing that I know, it is that anger against me will turn into selfhate and depression in a fraction of a second. Anyways, we made a quick stop at the shop to pick up some flowers, and despite the perfectly working AC in my german Automobile, the stains of stress were already starting to show up; luckily I was wearing a white shirt… I dropped her off, and went home, angry and depressed. So much for our great trip.

Today

Everything starts normally. I get up a little late, as I usually do on mondays, but got out of the house on time. The steets are relatively empty, so I arrive at time. The first lecture of a subject I like very much went by quickly, and now I have to make the first important decision: do I work on the documentation of an experiment which is due tomorrow, or go to my physics learning group? I decide to do the documentation, and make it with moderate success, going from 0% to 50%. My partner is a complete useless piece of dirt, so I am all on my own…Once again. Then, I go to my maths training group. I am a little late, so I have to take a seat facing away from the board.

This is where I lose it.

I write down as much as I can from the board to my Laptop, but don´t understand a single term. My thoughts quickly shift from “Hey, lets just write that down and finish afterwards” to “Why am I even here? The best thing to do is to drop out. You will never understand this in a million years”.

I get down, withdraw into my mind, escape into my introvertness. I gorge down my pizza without any emotions or taste at all, go outside to do some work, where the sun blinds me, so I go into the canteen, where it is too loud, and I head for the library, where I find a spot…And dont do much at all. I am now maybe at 73% of the work, sent the rest off to my partner, and hope for the best.

I just want to stop.

I love what I study, but maths is killing me and all my motivation and passion for it.

Diary entry #6, 15th of March, 2017

Dear Diary,

I am sad to let you down once again. I failed the ten-day-blog-challenge. I mean, it´s not like I would not have tried, but I remember the day I failed. It was the evening after I got home from Amsterdam, which was a very nice trip by the way, and I just forgot about you, my dear diary. I went to bed, briefly considering getting back up to write a quick post, but because I was tired, I didn´t do it. I promised myself to catch up on the blog challenge later, but I never did. It is not even because I am unmotivated… It´s more like many things in the recent past: I have an idea for a project, start it, and then let it halfway down. Yup, keep disappointing yourself, you´ll see where that ends…

I´d love to tell you about the past few days, since many things happened, but IMO, that is not the point of a diary. A diary should be written in the evening, or at least in the same awake state of mind that the day happened I write about. So what about today?

The good things:

[INSERT GOOD THINGS HERE]

The bad things

Well, yeah…As you can see above, there were no really memorable good things about today. Of course, I could force a positive view on some average-at-best things, but why would I? I would be lying to myself, pretending that I did not waste today. Ok, to be fair, not everything was bad, but that doesn´t make the things good.

I got up late, at around 10:30, ignoring my alarmclocks. I remain in bed for another 30 minutes or so, already knowing that I am just procrastinating. After the morning routine, I go and get dressed, look for breakfast, talk to my granny, read the newspaper, and head off to Uni, knowing that I am too late to do anything productive before 12 o´clock. For some reason, the interstate is overfilled, and I barely make any progressI look for a parking spot, find one, and meet a friend for lunch. Pizza it is again. We talk, and then head off to find a room, and work at around 10% productivity, when we should be working at 80%. I feel like my ADHD is being a big part of the problem, but I don´t do anything against it. Anyways, I leave early, and spent the rest of the day being at home, lonely, and watching netflix.

I hate myself. I hate myself for being unable to learn, to get distracted by the smallest things, for being single, for never texting back, for my horrible, worsening skin, for my inability to schedule appointments and to fix my life… The list is endless, and I continue forever, but what is the point? Why not just accept it, and deal with it? Try to fix some?

Because it wears me out, my diary. It is easier to just keep bitching about something, than to actually do anything about it.

Damn Daniel! Back at it again with the crippling Depression.

Despite the spicy title, my depression came back. Just like so. Today was not an extraordinary day, and the day was business as usual, but at some point during the past 30 minutes, something changed. I was watching TV, when my friend told me how she was tired of life. I responded ‘same’, and she asked why.

I don´t know why.

Maybe because of the upcoming exams, for which I don´t feel prepared.

Maybe because I probably failed my maths class.

Maybe because I am a dickbutt, who never responds to texts of the people that matter.

Maybe because I haven´t made many friends at Uni yet.

Maybe because Neurodermitis is obliterating my skin hard.

Maybe…

So many possible reasons, and I feel like they all just came over me at once. If you look at them, you cannot help but notice the one common denominator: me. I am the cause of all the problems I have, and I am responsible for them.

Yes, at this point, I should probably say something like ‘And now is the time Imma do somethin bout it. Life will get better now. Where do I come from?! From the balls of my father!!! Life is a bitch, and I better f*ck her right in the p*ssy’.

But it doesn´t. As cheerful as it might seem, I cannot really get myself back on track. The darkness flooded my body, just as deepwater Horizon flooded the Gulf of Mexico. I even thought about cutting again. What would the pain be like? How does one more scar matter?  Nobody wants you anyways. My skin condition is Verdun in 1918, and there is no way any girl in the world would accept my broke ass personality anyways.

As I have to accept the fact that my depression will never go away, and that it will grow in strength over the following months, I have to brace myself. I may be even able to enjoy the times in which I will have the nice side of depression(slightly melancholic, wistful, and cold, listening to sad death cab for cutie, and mourning about life, romanticising death).

But again, that would be like a person floating down a river, facing a waterfall.

But how deep will I fall?

GG,

Stranger

University

Apparently I made it. Amazingly. Somehow, I managed to make it through highschool, survived all the ups and downs, avoided all the potholes on the boulevard of broken dreams, and conquered the seemingly impossible:My life.

Today I realized that I am on the way of recovery, and while the past two years have been undenyingly hard occasionally, I cannot deny that from hour zero, it has been a slow, but steadily way up. I am having a hard time believing it, looking back at the countless times I thought about suicide, that I made highschool.

I finished highschool. I finished highschool. Feels so weird to type the truth.

Anyways, pardon what is past, and look towards the future, because you never know whats coming next.

University – a new chapter of my life. Looking back at the first weeks, I love it. My time at my university will be a rollercoaster-again. At least I hope so. I expect there to be at least as many highs as downs, and I wish my university to be anything from Blue Mountain State to perks of being a wallflower. To be honest, right now my situation is more…calm. I haven´t been to a single Party, and have missed all the infamous freshmen college parties. Currently I am still living with my parents, but I hope to soon find a flat or some kind of accomodation in close proximity to the campus. I dont wanna miss out on anything.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot about a thing – maybe the best and worst thing at the same time. No, I am not talking about my brilliant Surface book, or all the student discounts.

Of course its the love. Love is a lot like a garden: If you put effort into it, it will reward you with something that will shelter you, be a place of pure pleasure and a safe haven. Sadly, if you forget to cultivate and water the garden, don´t add new plants, and keep all of the old stuff, it won´t be nice at all. The Rose you loved many moons ago is now just a painful thornebush, and it will most likely never come back.

Also, in my garden, which is small tbh, there is still plenty of space that needs a filling.

So, will I be able to revive my garden soon?

You will find out soon.

Also, feel free to leave any advice you have for a freshmen collegeboy.

GG,

Stranger.