Dear Blog,
first of all: what the fuck? Getting my hopes all the way up, only to find out that what I thought were signs of a heart attack might actually just be a panic attack? False advertisement, I would say. I was pretty pumped that this might just be the easy way out for which I have been asking, begging and praying for a loong time. Instead I get this.
To be clear, I am by no means an expert, and don´t want to judge too fast, but the signs I noticed point more towards panic than the heart.
Let me explain.
The things I experienced on the (most severe) incident were, feeling faint, light-headed, weak, hardly able to stand, my left arm going numb, cold sweat ( a lot), having problems to breathe/ breathing faster than usual, very fast in fact. Also, I could hardly walk without leaning on something. Also, I could hardly focus or think straight (not in a gay manner). I don´t exactly recall having pain in my chest area, I would have to check my notes on that. For the arguments sake, lets say I did not have any chestpain. This was the 20th of march
The second incident happened some time this week, I would say maybe on the 30th/31st march. I remember having a very hard time to sleep. At some point I must have woken up, and I felt intense pain in my chest. I felt cold, and my thick blanket, under which I am usually sweating, was soaked. I was desperately hoping for this being a heart attack. If I had to describe the location of the pain, I would say maybe the area under my sternum, where the pain felt…maybe burning? It was not quite a sting, neither a dull or muffled pain spread over an area, but quite concentrated. When I woke up in the morning, the pain persisted, although weaker, throughout the day. During the day, I remember feeling particulary weak, as in not really being able to drill a hole in a wall (for context: this was not a drywall, but concrete-cinder type of wall). I tried helping at a friends house with them moving in, moving things around, and I was not very strong. The feel of being weak faded through the next day, on which I took a very exhausting three-hour roadbike trip with a 30 km/h average. I think I also felt a little more than exhaustion that day.
The last and most recent event happened yesterday, or this night, to be precise: at around 0:30 AM on the 4th of April. I knew something was not quite right. At this point I am in my car. It started off just feeling weird, a feeling I had never quite felt before, that was neither depression nor a high. A kind of dizziness, I could hardly think straight, my breath was quicker, as well as my pulse, but not by much. I was shaking a little in the car, and when I got home, I remember my arms feeling heavy, and I was having problems focussing on typing, something that usually happens with no effort required. I remember having a hard time remembering what happened some three hours ago. The whiskey I poured tasted really weird, not quite like I knew it. Also, when I was driving the car, I think it felt like playing a videogame with a very low framerate, for example in the car I would look at one moment at the speedometer, and the next “conscious moment” I would look at the road. As if my brain was taking longer to process things, and only “update” every half second or so. When I got home, I tried some things, and while I was having difficulties walking securely, I could stand on one leg for maybe two seconds. When I got home, I immediately started typing and writing down what I felt. I put on some music, a certain playlist, but don´t remember a single song I heard specifically. Towards the end of the “episode”, I put on “Strange meadow lark”, since I felt that a song with no lyrics which is calming and I know very well might help. I don´t remember the beginning, but at some point during the song, it felt almost like a snap, and I was back at almost full consciousness. While the weird feeling was probably beginning the recline at some point, I remember specifically that around the three minute mark of the song I regained my mental abilities more instant. What I remember to be especially unsettling was that this feeling was new to me. I legit did not know what would happen next, or what could happen. It did not feel like a psychological thing, but more like a bodily thing, which I could not influence. Like something I had no control over.
To further clarify, the first incident happened during my breakup with her, and the third incident happened when I went for a drive-by at her house.
Let´s do a symptoms check or comparison.
Heart Attack
An intense pain felt around in the chest, around the sternum, with radiation of pain possible to the lower belly, arms, jaw, or shoulders.
Neither the first nor the third event is really ticking this box, but the second one seems like a promising candidate.
High pressure in the chest area, “an elephant standing on the chest”.
One and three are out, two still maybe yes, but I am not really feeling this one.
Nausea, vomiting, struggle to breathe, pain in the upper belly
One and three yes, but not as strong to vomiting, the breathing issue was present, pain in the upper belly not so much. Two maybe.
Sweat of fear, a pale appearance
Sadly, I did not take any selfies, but the cold sweat was present at all three events. Pale? I can´t really say anything about that.
Feeling unsettled, fear of death and weak
Yes! From all three! Seems like a win to me finally. Sure, if I were a healthy, normal person, I would probably have felt fear, but since I am a suicidal person, whose biggest wish is a heart attack, I got hyped up and excited rather than fearful. Maybe it´s just me. Fear of death? No. Maybe a quarter-tick.
Panic attack
Racing heart
Maybe the old gal was galopping a little faster than usual, but nothing significantly more, maybe an 80 or 90 (felt like it) instead of a 60, which is my resting pulse.
Feeling weak, faint or dizzy
Bet! All three are ticked.
Tingling or numbness in hands or fingers
Sure deal pal! This is definitely a yes from me for the first event, the second and third not so much, sadly.
Sense of terror, doom or death
Again, not really, since I get more excited about death than worried.
Feeling sweaty or having chills
Confirmed on all three cases.
Chest pain
Two definitely, one maybe and three a no.
Breathing difficulties
One sure, three sure, two maybe, but rather not. Promising tho.
Feeling a loss of control
One probably, three for sure. Two not so much.
Trembling or shaking
One and three both a yes from me.
Feeling of unreality or detachment
One maybe, two rather not, three for sure.
— A little on my research: I only read the two first search results on the web, I am by no means an expert, but an (un-)educated guess from me would suggest that #1 and #3 are a safe bet for a panic attack, while #2 remains a bit of a mystery, since it did not tick that many boxes at any. But feel free to correct me. —
Right now, it feels like I am just slowly starting to see all the things wrong with me, and that my mental health is rapidly changing. I don´t know where this journey will take me, and I am not afraid of it. More curious. Maybe it feels like excitement before opening a christmas present, but you have no idea whether it is something good or bad awaiting you in that package. Also, I don´t even really care about life since forever, so it is not really bothering me if something bad were to happen. Honestly, I would still take a heart attack over a panic attack or those events mentioned up above any day of the week, but I am not getting any.
Anyways, I am surprised if anyone makes it this far in this unorganized, unstructured mess. I´ll pour one out for you. Thanks, it really means a lot.
GG
Random Strangers life 