First of all, fuck you, I know I haven´t written anything yet! The past week, or rather the nine days since the breakup have been an emotional rollercoaster. Not that that would mean much to me. Still. I went from “Hey, lets just commit suicide” to “I am going to therapy”. Today I even woke up late again, in contrast to the past week where I have been waking up (relatively) early. Also, I did not have a hurtful dream which involved her, which I have had quite a lot, ranging from sex we never had to…more hurtful things. Also, I started a “moodlog” yesterday, in which I am keeping track of my mood, noting the frequency and time of my swings. I would give myself a score on a scale, with everything larger than zero being indicative of good mood, with a ten marking euphoric/don´t stop me now, zero being “neutral”/ neither feelin´good nor bad, and everything in the negative being … well, feeling shit. Generally, a -1 indicates feeling slightly shit and a -10 directly referring to playing hangman. I might throw some additional spices and reasons in, if it´s depressed or feeling shit, or lovesickness.
I don´t know how effective it is, or if it is “within reasonably scientific certainty”, but I can definitely make out a trend. My short skim-through of the wikipedia article on bipolar disorder seems to pay off already, or at least it seems familiar and like a possible explaination of what is happening with me. But I will wait on further confirmation of my therapist.
Speaking of which, I have already met with two. The first was an older shorter lady, who called me an “interesting case” and tried to make me promise to not commit suicide until we would meet again, which I think is a hideous concept since I don´t make promises I can´t keep. The second one, an older man, was more interesting. When I entered his office, I was almost about to leave on the spot. But once I got talking, I felt that he was already better than the woman. He wasn´t trying to talk me out of anything, but asked a lot of questions. He explained to me what a cooperation might look like, and it was a lot about understanding myself more. And then, along the way, we would see what works and what does not. But I am still not 100% sold on him. I have a third therapist coming, a younger woman, and I will go to her for sure. Choice and stuff.
I really want to know what´s up with the moodswings. I explained to him that it feels as if the “amount” of depression, as well as feeling good may be the same per period, but the frequency has increased. That might be an explaination for how the depression seems to worsen, while the happy times seem more intense. Currently, I can still manage the swings without too much of a constraint on my life, but I already feel that it is more exhausting. Sure there is some “getting used to it”, but still. It feels like the transitional periods are the hardest to deal with. For example, I could feel relatively bad, say a -4, and know that a “happy time” is coming up. This feeling of change wears me out more than just feeling shit, knowing it might last for a while. Same is true vice versa, where I could fall from a solid 4 to a -3 in a matter of 20 minutes. Which I feel is more exhausting than from bad to good. I feel really annoyed by this.
At the same time, just for shits and giggles, I wonder how quick the frequency can possibly become, until something happens(ahem, we all know what this finally means).
Also, the therapist talked about my fatalism, which I am 100% subscribed to.
Until I know more, GG.
Random Strangers life 