Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
-Queen, A day at the Races, written by Mercury
TL;DR: I lost my passion for music and photography, I think my one-and-a-half-year relationship slowly fading, and I would say that depression is back in full glory.
As Queen has been my favorite band for quite some time, and already has been six months before I bohemian rhapsody was even teased, this has to be a fitting beginning. In September last year, I picked up a bass guitar, which I have been playing, enjoying and learning ever since. In march, I even began taking lessons, until then I had played by watching youtube videos and tutorials. Becoming steadily better… I guess. Of course I had daydreams of being one day good enough to become famous etc, like everyone does. Until roughly last week, I played everyday, practising and becoming perhaps better little by little. But then, hand in hand with my mood change, I found it increasingly harder to pick up the bass. At first, I pushed it on my hands that did hurt a little, then on the Bass-guitar itself, because the scale length was too long to play comfortably, and eventually on the instrument. I started looking into guitars, and while I had (and still have) the goal to pick up a genuine Red Special at the end of the year for christmas, guitars seemed to become more and more interesting. I spent days looking around big online retailers for information and possible instruments to my liking, and found one eventually. I began questioning myself, if the bass was the right choice. At the end of the day, it is not a standalone lead instrument itself. But thats what I always enjoyed: Let the lead guitarrist do his thing, and I play along. Anyways, I said to myself to wait until at least July, because then there would be a bass sale at my preferred music store. Just wait two more months, I keep telling myself.
Today, I picked up a looper pedal, which allows you to record and play back things that you played. I had high expectations, and ended up disappointed after half an hour of playing. Not because of the pedal, but because I expected it to somehow improve my playing or make it more interesting. I saw videos of people using it. And wasnt good enough.
Which leads me back to the Quote: Got no feel , I got no rhythm; I just keep losing my beat. In other words: I lost my music. I have not listened to any music on purpose in over a week. Which is a new record for me. Music does not light my fire. Tough. Tomorrow I will return the pedal.
Which leads me to the next thing: wanting to get rid my belongings.
In the same fashion I lost interest in my music, which is by far the hardest, I also lost interest for photography. The weather is getting better, and it has been at least a solid month since I picked up a camera. I am contemplating selling most of my gear. Which is also a pretty hard hit for me.
Speaking of losing things: I think slowly, but steadily, my relationship is fading. Too much to tackle in this post, so here is the short version: she is in her exam phase right now, the last time I saw her was probably two weeks ago, I came by to check on her, and we talked about something, had different opinions, and she treated me like the most stupid, unintelligent idiot on this planet. I had no interest in a fight, so I just left saying that we have different opinions and she is probably right, but I still have a different opinion. In the evening, she texted me she was feeling sorry, but the damage was done.
I think I was never the person to feel love for her as much as she did/does for me. I spent more and more time looking back at our history in a different light, and come to the conclusion that either
- the relationship will come to an end
- we have a talk about the relationship and come out more closely than before
- we keep going the way it is until something of impact happens
- we stay together for a while and eventually our lifes will take different turns and the relationship slowly fades away
Oh, also I don´t really do much sport anymore and am displeased with my body more and more.
I doubt that anyone at this point is still reading, and if so, I would like to take time to give a shoutout to a sweet, long-known, heart-broken acquaintance of mine, and anyone who has come this far.
Till the next time,
GG,
Stranger
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